Tuesday, July 2, 2013

On Facebook

My son now has a Facebook account. We allowed it primarily so that he can have access to his photography group without going through my account and so that he can keep in touch with geographically distant relatives.

We are, however, limiting who he can friend. It's a very short list. Family and a few friends from church and CYC. That's it. Also, he does not have his password yet. He can only log on with a parent. He also has to be friends with his parents.

This isn't just -- or even primarily -- a concern over "safety" and "appropriateness." Those are factors. Jordan needs to learn how to deal with dangerous situations in all contexts, including online. It's also important for him to recognize when something isn't appropriate for him to see --whether it's just for now or ever -- and look away.

There's another aspect of social media that needs to be addressed and is probably the most important. My son needs to learn how to present himself online. Whether he is updating his own status, commenting on someone else's or sharing a link, he needs to think about how others will perceive it and if he's sending the message he intends. Is he coming across politely and respectfully? Is he being unintentionally hurtful? Could his phrasing be clearer?

Some of this will be learned by trial and error. That's part of the reason for starting with a small friends list. These are people who will "love him anyway" if he missteps. I will also be giving him some guidance in these early days so that he understands the why of certain things and doesn't go too far out of line.

That's not to say I'll be constantly looking over his shoulder. Unless he asks for my help with wording, private chats and messages will be for him and the recipient. Only if he gets a message from someone he doesn't know or one that makes him feel uncomfortable is he required to disclose it. It's the more public stuff I want to help him navigate.

I also want to ensure that he doesn't become either overwhelmed or "obsessed" with online stuff. I see that as a parent's role.

Gradually, we will release full responsibility for my son's online behavior and connections to him. Our hope is that this time of training will prepare him to make wise decisions.


What has been your experience with young teens online?




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8 comments:

  1. I think that's a fantastic way to handle it. I don't like the parenting view of "no tech til they're older!" since tech is a very prevalent thing in our house. I feel like introducing tech - and social media - is something that, like everything else, should come as a learning moment.

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    1. I am hoping it will work well. As a family, we tend to introduce tech late, but in this case it seems to go with Facebook at 13. Besides, in a few years, he may resist this level of guidance. I think a proper foundation will set him in good stead later. I pray it will, anyway.

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  2. Good for you! My circle of friends seems pretty tame compared with some things I've heard. However, I have also seen some posts by a friend's son (because the profile is public) that I want to send an email to his parents and say "Do you know what your son is posting?!?!" Of course, the son is 20-something, but I am still shocked at times.

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    1. I have a lot of teens on my friends list. Some are better than others, some downright shocking or even scary. I have learned to google frightening statuses to see if they are actually just lines from heavy metal songs or some such. I wonder what might happen if a potential employer checks some of these kids out online. That's one of my reasons for taking such care.

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  3. Wow - great post - I am going to share it with a friend here in Australia as she just wrote an AWESOME book called Futureproof Your Kids. But sounds like you are thinking this through very carefully. I think you have made some very valid points here!

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    1. Thank you!! That sounds like a great book - I'll have to check it out.

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  4. Sounds like a good plan. We did the same with my grandson. My daughter has his passwords and checks his posts from time to time and has had to ask him to pull or change them a couple of times. But he is a teenage boy and doesn't always see the harm in a post or comment. It is a learning process.
    Hope it goes well.

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    1. It is a learning process, and I'll take it at my son's pace. He, too, is a teen boy. Glad it's working with your grandson.

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